# Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro
# Figaro! Son qua
# Figaro qua, Figaro Ià, Figaro qua, Figaro Ià, Figaro su, Figaro giù, Figaro su, Figaro giù
# Pronto prontissimo, son come il fulmine, sono il factotum della città
# Della città, della città, della città, della città
Phew!
# Ah bravo Figaro, bravo bravissimo, ah bravo Figaro, bravo bravissimo
# A te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà
# La la la la la la, la la la la la la, la la la la la la, la la la la
# A te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà
# Sono il factotum della città
# Della città, della città
# Della città
- Oops. - Salutations, snack.
Yipe. On second thought...
Yiiiiipe!
9-1-1! 9-1-1!
Police! Civic authorities! ASPCA! ASAP!
Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped!
No, birdnapped!
A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet.
Eat your heart out, Julia Child.
Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call?
In your case, I think not.
Afternoon snacks have few civil liberties.
But I'm not wholly without heart.
How about a nice soothing cigarette?
Pah! Agh! Ugh!
Oh, I will not do this. I cannot!
Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer.
No! My lungs are blackened!
Here we go again. Cut, cut, cut! Roll it back.
- Help me... - What are you doing? Daniel...
That line is not in the script. Why did you add it?
- I wanted to comment on the situation. - What situation?
Shoving a cigarette into Pudgie's mouth is morally irresponsible.
This is a cartoon, not a friggin' Oprah Winfrey Special.
Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon. It's like telling them "Light up."
You can't put words in Pudgie's mouth if his mouth isn't moving.
It's voice-over. An interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God.
Pudgie, don't smoke.
- Actors. - What? Let's ask the technicians.
Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
They're biased. That's a mistrial.
Daniel, this session is costing the studio thousands.
If you want a paycheck, stick to the script.
If you want to play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.
Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
That's very funny. Where the hell are you goin'?
If you leave, you're not comin' back in.
I'm not takin' any crap from you, pal.
Well, in the words of Porky Pig:
P- P-P-P-P-P-Piss off, Lou.
- So what about that history test? - Don't ask.
- Did you have fun in school? - I painted a picture of a rainbow.
- Dad? - Daddy!
Daddy!
- I thought you couldn't pick us up. - Well, I got off early.
- You mean you got fired? - No, I quit... for reasons of conscience.
Actors.
Dude, congratulations on your 12th birthday. Got a surprise for ya.
- A stripper? - Ooh, please!
- Two strippers? - Hoo-hah, boy!
- A party? - Yes!
No. No parties.
Mom said you couldn't have one because of your report card.
Mom's not gonna be home for another four hours, is she?
Prepare yourself... for the wild kingdom.
Coming up toward the very end. There she goes. And she wins that race.
Come on off now. Here we go.
You want to feed him?
See if this guy will.
Oops. Sorry.
Shoo! Get out!
Shoo! Shoo!
- Gregory, Henderson and Hillard. - Miranda Hillard, please.
I know what you're going for with these murals, but perhaps if they weren't so large.
- And let's do steel windows, not wood. - Uh-huh.
Eliminate the oriental rug. Let's try an Aubusson carpet.
- More pink than red. - Good idea.
Union Square Inn. This is better.
More Arts and Crafts. A Dirk Van Erp lamp, a Stickley chair. Don't be seduced by chintz.
Excuse me. Miranda, can I speak to you for a minute?
- Yes. Excuse me. - Certainly.
Just be one minute.
I just got off the phone with a Stuart Dunmeyer.
- Stuart Dunmeyer? - Mm-hm. He said you were acquaintances.
Stuart Dunmeyer?
He's putting millions into restoring the old Wellman mansion on Nob Hill.
- He wants to make it into a $500-a-night B&B. - Yes, I read about it.
- He's been doing very well. - Mm-hm, that's him.
And he specifically asked for you, Miranda.
He did?
- I told him you'd call first thing tomorrow. - Yes, I will.
Miss Hillard? The operator has a Gloria Chaney on hold.
- She says it's an emergency. - Excuse me.
Gloria?
- Oh, my God! - Is this your residence, ma'am?
Yes, I'm sorry to say it is.
Are you aware it's illegal to possess barnyard animals in a residential area?
- What if you're married to one? - We're also responding to a noise violation.
I'm going to respond myself. I'm aawully sorry about this. I'll...
You ate my begonias! God!
Get out of my way!
# Jump around
# Jump up, jump up and get down
# Everybody jump, jump, jump, jump, jump
Oh... Shoo! Get! Get!
# I'm the cream of the crop I rise to the top
# I never eat a pig, cos a pig is a cop
# Or better yet a Terminator like Arnold Schwarzenegger
# Try to play me out, like as if my name was Sega
# I'm comin' to get ya, I'm comin' to get ya
# Spittin' out lyrics, homey I'll wet ya
# I came to get down, I came to get down...
Hah!
Miranda! Whassup?
You're home early, girlfriend.
Havin' a birthday in the house.
What the hell is going on around here?
Don't get mad, honey. Listen.
You're home a little early. I was gonna clean it all up before you got home.
# Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump...
Honey... What are you looking for?
I'd be careful. That pony had a lot of water.
Party's over.
She called you and you bust the birthday party. Great
Don't you dare make me out to be the monster here, Daniel!
You have all the fun and I get whatever's left over.
- You chose the career. - I have no choices here. I have no choices!
Even when I try to do something fun, you do it ten times bigger!
I bring home a cake and gifts. You bring the goddamn San Diego Zoo!
- And I have to clean up! - It's not toxic waste, just a few party plates!
Why am I the only one that feels there has to be rules?
Why do you always make me out to be the heavy?
I don't. You do it yourself quite naturally.
- You set me up every time to be the bad guy. - Oh, lighten up, will ya?
You spend too much time with those corporate clones you used to despise.
I spend too much time with you, Daniel. It's over!
It's over.
Come on, Miranda. We've got problems, but who doesn't? We could work 'em out.
We've been trying to work them out for 14 years.
Come on, please. Listen. Maybe we need some help, OK?
Maybe a family therapist will help us do this together.
It's too late for that.
Well, let's take a vacation with the kids, as a family. Get you away from work.
You're a different person. You really are. You're great.
Our problems would be waiting for us when we got back.
We'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
Daniel, please don't joke.
OK.
Yeah. We've just grown apart. We're different.
- We have nothing in common. - Oh, sure we do. We love each other.
Come on, Miranda. We love each other.
Don't we?
I want a divorce.
No.
We can't. We're a family. You know?
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, Ma, he told me all about it.
Yeah, Ma. I heard, I heard.
- Well, yeah, he's here. - No.
Ma, he's not really in the mood to talk.
Yeah, depressed. I mean, his marriage is ending.
My marriage is not ending. It's just on hiatus.
Ma, I think he's in a little bit of denial.
No, we're taking good care of your little boy. Don't worry, Mom.
- Hi, Evelyn. Thanks for the jam. - She says you're welcome.
That beige concealer. When are we gettin' more of it?
- Next week. - You hear that, Ma? Next week.
Wait, hang on.
- Enough already. It's a man. - How would you know?
Bitch.
No, Ma, not you. I was talkin' about the dog.
Ma, listen. We got people waitin' for us on the set.
Oh, yeah. It's a busy life, Ma. Places to go, faces to paint.
Yeah, I'll tell him, Ma.
Don't worry, I'll tell him.
Yeah. Hold on, Ma.
She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.
- No way. - He says he'll think about it, Ma.
I will. All right. I love you, too.
Bye, Ma.
Hey, listen, you know you can always stay with us just as long as you want.
Thank you, but I'm OK, really. I mean, this is just a temporary thing.
I know Miranda. It's gonna blow over.
Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings tend to favour the mother,...
...we also realise, perhaps now more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest...
...to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father.
However, since at the present time Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment,...
...it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard.
- Congratulations. - No.
Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.
- Can't you do something? - He's made his decision.
Isn't it traditional to say "I object" or something?
Your Honour, please.
Every Saturday? That's one day a week.
That's not enough.
I have to be with my children. It's not a question. I have to be with them, sir. Please.
I know it seems like a lot, but for me it's not enough. Really.
I haven't been away from 'em for more than one day since the day they were born.
- Mr. Hillard, this ruling is only temporary. - Oh, good.
I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case.
There will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days.
- I'm giving you three months, Mr. Hillard. - Thank you.
Three months in which to get a job, keep it and create a suitable home.
If this proves to be a possibility for you,...
...I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene. We're adjourned.
Well, it looks like there is a little light at the end of our tunnel.
- That's all my stuff. - This is all my fault.
God, no. Why would you think that?
I should have never had a birthday, Dad.
- This never would have happened. - Yes, it would.
It was an accident waiting to happen, OK?
You did nothing wrong. You got that?
OK, gimme five.
You're the man of the house now.
Don't be messy.
- You can't go now. - Honey, I have to.
We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web. Who's gonna finish it?
Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices.
She smells funny, too.
That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.
Hey, come here.
Hey! It's the same as always. We just have a really big backyard, OK?
- I love you. - I love you.
I'll miss you. Saturday comes real quick.
- I'll miss you. - Ditto.
Oh, Dad...
- Take care of her. - OK.
Goodbye.
Thanks for the time, warden.
Bye, Dad.
As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things.
- Your living environment... - It's more like a habitat, really.
And I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it.
Well, I'll put on a chicken.
And there's always the job issue.
This is the nearest employment office. I took the liberty of making an appointment for you.
- Thank you. - By the way, do you have any special skills?
Oh, yes. I do.
I do voices.
What do you mean, you do voices?
Vell, I do voices.
Yes!
We're looking for intelligent life. Oops, mistake!
Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
I want you in the worst way.
This meeting is certainly not going well for me.
Hey, boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
I'm crazy to make a deal with you!
Nancy and I are looking for the other half of my head.
They're doin' it! I'm sittin' on a gold mine!
Don't make me smack you, sweetheart.
# Figaro!
I do a great impression of a hot dog.
Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
I used to.
There was a time when I found myself funny.
But today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.
Listen, bottom line...
I need to be with my children, and I'll do anything to do that.
You just tell me what to do.
- Excuse me. You Tony? - That's me.
Hi. I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.
Follow me.
Oh, films! Will I be introducing these movies on air?
- Not exactly. - What do I do?
You take all these cans. You box 'em and you ship 'em.
Then you box those cans over there. Ship them. Then more will come in.
You box those, you ship those.
Any questions?
After you box 'em...?
You ship 'em.
Lots of luck, smart-ass.
I think I made a friend.
- Miranda. - Stu!
Hello, Miranda.
- It's been a long time. - Yes.
Mr. Dunmeyer's come by to look over your sketches.
Um...
Let me show you to the conference room.
As you probably know, the estate was built in 1876.
These sketches are meant to reflect your desire to have it completely restored.
You look better than ever.
The lobby will resemble a music salon with inspiration from the French Second Empire.
I was thinking a 17th-century grand piano...
I've been following your career these past couple of years.
A tufted sofa, a Flemish tapestry, a brass-bound Regency-style table...
I'd love to get reacquainted. Catch up.
Mantel clocks,...
...fringed, upholstered chairs, heavy drapes.
Can we talk? Over dinner, maybe?
Stuart, thank you. I... I...
I... I'm at the beginning of a divorce.
It just didn't work out.
- Oh, Miranda, I'm sorry. - You don't have to say that.
No, really. I mean, I never held any grudges or anything. I just...
Well, I always hoped you'd find happiness.
Oh, God, that's so nice.
I was just worried my coming in here might scare you off the project.
No, no. Of course not. I...
I'm a professional. I'm...
I was flattered that you thought of me after all these years and everything.
Yeah, everything.
Well... Ancient history.
Yeah.
- I'm late. I've got a meeting at the bank. - Oh.
Can we talk maybe later in the week?
- Sure. - Good.
It's good to see you again.
Mmm, good, huh?
I know the place doesn't look like much now, but...
...it'll be OK. How do you like it?
- Nice. - It's OK.
Detestable.
Hey, just give me some time.
I'm not too comfortable with this new lifestyle.
Neither are we.
I know it's hard, sweetie.
Can't you just tell Mom you're sorry?
Wish I could.
You know, grown-up problems...
They're a little more complicated, Nattie.
How is the old battle-axe?
- Your mom. - She's fine.
Oh. I'm glad to hear that.
I'd hate to think that she came down with amoebic dysentery or piles.
What's amoebic dysentery?
It's an infection in your tummy where you get diarrhoea for ever.
- Diarrhoea for ever? - And your body dries up and you die.
- You die? - You don't have to be so graphic with her.
- I read about it in a science book. - Why would you want Mommy to die?
Oh, honey, I don't want Mommy to die.
Then why did you say that?
Look, Dad, you're not trying very hard.
We only get to come here once a week. That's not very much.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'll try harder.
Nattie, I'll think good thoughts, OK?
- About Mommy? - I'll try. I really will.
- And call her a princess. - Oh... Oh, yes.
And right now I feel like a toad.
Daddy's a toad.
- That's Mom. - Can't be. She's an hour early.
Come on, Nattie, we gotta go.
No, no! Come on, sit down, sit down.
Sit down!
You don't have to run off when she honks the horn.
Come on, you're on my time now.
You're my goddamn kids, too!
Come on. Hey.
Hi.
Oh, Daniel... Charming.
Thank you, Miranda. I was going for a refugee motif.
Fleeing-my-homeland kind of thing.
But look at you!
This lovely Dances with Wolves motif. What's your Indian name: Shops With A Fist?
- Are my children ready yet? - No, our children are not ready yet...
.. because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.
Daniel, I don't have time for this. I have to drop something off at the newspaper office.
Newspaper? Are you taking out one of those personal ads?
"DWF seeks WWM with BMW, into light B&D"?
I'm placing an ad for a housekeeper.
Housekeeper? Why do you need a housekeeper?
I need someone to be there when the children get home from school, to clean, start dinner...
- How much are you gonna pay? - $300 a week. Is that all right?
300...
May I see the ad?
- I have a right as their father. Please? - All right. Anything else you wanna see?
- Are you offering? - Not any more.
What's the change?
- Are you guys all right? - Yeah, Mommy. We're fine.
Ugh!
Miranda, why not let me take care of the kids?
I'll pick 'em up after school, be with them, then drop them off at your house after work.
- That'd be great! - Please!
- Look. The kids love it. - Mommy, please!
I'll think about it.
We're his goddamn kids, too.
Kids say the darndest things.
Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?
Oh...! Come on, everybody get their coats. Come on.
- Put them on and let's get out of here. - OK, Mom.
I would say go to the bathroom before we go, but I don't think that's a good idea.
Don't forget anything. I don't wanna come back.
Come on, let's go.
- See you Saturday. - Say goodbye to your father.
Goodbye, Daddy.
- Here's your ad. - I'll get my purse.
Yeah, you'd better.
Hello. Are you calling in response to the ad?
Uh-huh.
- Who was your previous employer? - I was in a band. Severe Tyre Damage.
- In a band? - I just wanna know one thing.
Are your kids well-behaved, or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?
- Um... I'll have to get back to you. - Wow!
My name is Ilsa Himmelman.
How many children do you have?
- I have two girls and a boy. - Oh, a boy!
I don't work with the males cos I used to be one.
Yikes.
Hello.
Leyla, get back in your cell! Don't make me get the hose!
Hello?
I... am... job.
- Do you speak English? - I... am... job.
I'm sorry. The position has been filled.
Oh, what a nightmare!
Let's go in for the kill.
- Hello? - Hello.
I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.
Yes... Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Oh, certainly, dear.
For the past 15 years I've worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England.
That's Smythe, not Smith, dear.
And for them, I did housecleaning, cooking, and took care of their four glorious children.
Oh, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years, but they grew up, as children tend to.
Oh, but listen to me. I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.
- Well, I have two girls... - Oh, two precious gems.
No doubt the jewel of your eye.
- And one boy. - Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.
I must tell you, a little light cooking is required.
Oh, I don't mind that, dear. I'd love some heavy cooking.
But I do have one rule: they'll only eat good, nutritious food with me.
And if there's any dispute, it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies.
That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.
No! Um...
Would you mind coming on an interview? Say, Monday night at 7.30%
- Oh, I'd love to, dear. - Wonderful.
I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.
Steiner. Oh, how lovely.
- Could you tell me your name? - My name?
I thought I gave it to you, dear.
- No. - Oh!
- Doubtfire. - I beg your pardon?
Doubtfire, dear. Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Well, I look forward to meeting you. - Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.
- Bye-bye. - Ta-ta.
Showtime.
- Daniel, hi. - Could you make me a woman?
Honey, I'm so happy!
- Oh, come here. - I knew you'd understand.
- Is this gonna hurt? - Don't whine. Just relax.
- Are you sure? - Just remember, pain is beauty.
- OK, take a deep breath... Instant eye lift. - Whoa.
And the strings are under the wig.
- The man has five-o'clock shadow at 8.30am. - All right, we'll start with make-up.
- I'm not gonna wax. - Don't worry. We'll just lightly spackle.
- I feel like Gloria Swanson. - You look like her mother.
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
OK, everyone... Let's pray.
I hope you are using Jungle Red. That is the colour I love.
- Matches your lips. - God bless you.
I'm feeling fabulous because I met this beautiful Cuban.
Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
I don't know. This would scare the children. Maybe this is too much for them.
I think we have to go to the next level.
Latex.
Oy, it was such a shandeh.
I should never buy gribbenes from a mohel. It's so chewy.
- No, I feel like Bubbee. This is not working. - Don't worry.
It's a work in progress and you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.
- God bless you. - We'll have to do the entire face.
But look at this nice thing we have here.
# Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match
# Find me a find, catch me a catch
# Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
# Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
# Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade
It's not working. I need to go older.
Older? Like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?
- What's the difference? - Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
- What about Joan Collins? - Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
But I have some plaster.
# Luck, be a lady tonight
# Luck, if you've ever been a lady to begin with
# Luck, be a lady tonight
# Luck, let a gentleman see
# How nice a dame you can be
# I know the way you've treated other guys you've been with
# Luck, be a lady with me
# Luck, be a lady
- Are we close? - Any closer...
...and you'd be Mom.
# Tonight!
That's disgusting!
The most revolting thing I've ever seen.
Awesome.
What is this? Turn it off, will you?
Come on. I want you to meet this lady with me.
I want you to be polite to her, then... tell me what you think.
Everybody stand over here and help me decide what to do.
Hello. Mrs. Hillard, I presume.
Yes. I'm Miranda Hillard.
Euphegenia Doubtfire.
Yes. Won't you please come in?
Thank you, dear.
- And these must be the cherubs. - Yes.
- This is Natalie. - Oh, hello, Natalie.
- Are you wearing bug spray? - Nattie!
It's quite all right, dear. No offence taken. I was a little liberal with the atomiser.
And at my age, it's like a good Stilton. Everything has its own aroma.
I admire that honesty, Nattie. That's a noble quality. Never lose that,...
...because it often disappears with age or entering politics.
Look at that face. You remind me of Stuart Little,...
...one of the most honourable creatures in all of literature.
- Do you know that book, Stuart Little? - Yeah! It's one of my favourites.
Mine, too! Maybe I could read it to you - if I get the position.
- That would be wonderful. - And who is this strapping young lad?
- This is Chris. - Hello, Christopher.
Hello.
Jeez, you're big for a lady. You could play for the 49ers.
Well, I was a fullback. But that's European football, dear.
- Soccer? - Yes. You play soccer, too?
- Yeah! - Oh, isn't that amazing?
Yes, I was captain of the women's team. We won three university championships.
Oh, but that was decades ago!
But I was more disciplined then. I always put my studies ahead of my athletics.
I'm sure you're the same and you've done all your homework already.
- Well, not exactly. - Really? Oh. That's a pity.
Young men who don't do their studies often miss out on more amusing activities.
- And who is this young lady? - This is Lydia.
Hello, Lydia.
This isn't fair, Mom. Why do we need a housekeeper anyway?
- This is all I need. - Why can't Dad do it?
Dear, I don't think it's appropriate to argue with your mother in front of a stranger.
I just don't see why we can't spend the extra time with Dad.
Maybe she's right, dear. Maybe their father would be a more appropriate person.
No, I don't think so.
It's not my fault, honey. If he would get a job and a decent apartment...
- You see, he's the kind... - Excuse me, dear.
I'm sure you'd want the children to step out of the room...
...before you verbally bash their father. Hm?
If I did that, I might never see them again.
- I'm sorry. You're right. - No harm done.
- You're absolutely right. - I'm not a therapist. I just see what I see.
Why don't you guys go on upstairs? I'll be up in a minute.
- It's lovely to meet you. - Yeah, nice to meet you.
You too, Lydie.
- Oh, they're a spirited bunch. - Yes.
- Especially Lydie. She's got daggers for you. - I know.
- They're very upset with me right now. - Probably the divorce.
How did you know?
You can sense it, dear - the way she talks about her father.
I don't think he's in the Navy, the way she's saying she misses him. It's like he's nearby.
- Yes. - Oh, that's so sad.
- Would you care to have a cup of tea? - I'd love that.
- It's right in here. - What a lovely home you have.
- Did you decorate this yourself? - Yes, I did.
Oh, it reeks of taste! Isn't this lovely, dear!
- Here's my résumé. - Oh. Thank you.
- Let me start this tea. - Oh, no, dear. Let me get that for you.
You've had a hard day. You just sit yourself down on that stool and leave the tea to me.
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
Oh, not at all, dear.
- Oh. What a wonderful résumé. - Thank you, dear.
"Expert in first aid and CPR."
And Heimlich manoeuvre, dear.
You can never be too prepared when little ones are around.
They'll swallow anything. You've got to be ready to pop it out.
Oh, let's see.
Oh! What a perfectly appointed little cubby!
Look at this. Everything has its place and name tag.
How precise! It's lovely.
My husband never appreciated it.
Oh. Poor dolt.
That's not the reason you divorced him, was it?
No.
It's so sad, because marriage can be such a blessing.
- So can divorce. - Oh.
Daniel is a... very difficult man to live with. But the children are crazy about him.
You don't have to be a psychic to sense that.
My, you certainly do know your way around a kitchen!
Oh! Uh...
It's just because everything is so accessible. You designed it.
I'm amazed there isn't a little label there that says "spoons".
You remind me of someone.
Really? Who?
I feel like I've known you for years.
Maybe we knew each other in another life.
I would love for you to come and work with us.
- So would I. - Great!
It would be an honour.
To us.
To us. The start of a business relationship.
Good evening, dear.
Evening, ma'am.
Cold night, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Hope you have somethin' nice and warm to go home to.
My back.
Jesus! If I find the misogynistic bastard that invented heels, I'll kill him.
God..!
Excuse me.
Mrs. Sellner!
Have we met?
No. But Danny's told me all about you.
I'm his sister.
His... much older sister.
- You have his eyes. - Only if he fills out a donor card.
- Is Mr. Hillard in? I have an appointment. - Do you? Oh, that's wonderful.
Let me go up and get him and he'll be right down.
- I'll come with you. - No.
- Yes. - Why?
Because I have an appointment on Monday and Friday evenings to check the apartment.
I remember him saying something about that.
Are you sure, dear? It's three floors, hoofin' it all the way.
- If you can do it, I can. - I'll bet so!
- Is your ticker all right? - Topnotch.
Oh, good! Cos I don't want to jump-start ya.
Damn door.
Come in, please, dear. Sorry about that.
Here we are. Daniel's abode.
Oh, that's mine, dear. I'm a messy house guest.
Well, just make yourself at home. I'll be right back.
He'll be back. I'll go get him.
Don't be afraid. I'll be right there. Danny!
Danny boy, where are you? Oh, here he is, dear. I found him.
Danny, there's a Mrs. Sellner here to see you!
- Oh, is she here? - Yes, she is.
Mrs Sellner, I just got out of the shower!
I think you'll be very pleased with me!
I've been through some really interesting changes!
And I'm becoming a new man and a model father!
He'll be right there. He's just changing, dear.
I want to keep you abreast of the changes in my career!
There have been two big developments! I'm finally starting to come into my own!
Things are really starting to take shape, and I'm blossoming! Really, I am!
Things were hairy for a while,...
...but oh! I'm in great shape now!
I'm my own man now! Oh, yes!
A job I could really sink my teeth into!
I'll be right there, Mrs. Sellner!
So nice I don't have to save face any more, Mrs. Sellner!
Mrs Sellner! How are you? Always a joy!
If you wanted some cheese, why didn't you just say so?
Well, you'll be happy to know that I now am holding down two jobs.
One for an educational film and TV company - Heavy responsibility.
- And the other? - Cleaning houses. Not mine.
- Big girl! - Your sister is English?
She's half-English, half-American.
Half-sister, really. That makes her an eighth English? I've never done the math.
Let me see, my father was American. He... flew for the English during the war.
He was in London and... he met this lovely Englishwoman.
Well, my sister was the fruit of their passions.
Sorry. My sister's, not yours.
You see, she's not a very good housekeeper. But she makes a fabulous cup of English tea.
Really? Well, I would adore a good cup of English tea.
Oh! Wouldn't we all! I'll go get her.
Sis! Oh, sis!
Sis, are you in here?
Tea? Cup of TNT.
Sick. Mom!
Whoa!
My face!
I've gotta go down and get it.
Argh! Norman Bates!
Miss Hillard?
- Yes, dear? - I take sugar in my tea.
Oh, your tea!
I'll be right there with your tea!
Coming right up, dear! Sugar - one lump or two, dear?
- Two, please! - Tea, sugar, hot water.
You got it - argh! Coming right your way, dear!
I'll be right there with your tea!
No! Stop!
Stop!
No!
Oh... shit!
Ow! Ohhh!
- Can I give you a hand? - Oh, no, dear! I don't need a hand.
I need a face. A face.
- Are you sure? - Oh, definitely!
I'm not a Muslim. I need a face. A face. Oh, God.
Miss Hillard? The water's boiling.
- Hello! - Argh!
Oh, I'm sorry to frighten you, dear. I must look like a yeti in this get-up.
This is my nightly meringue mask. Part of my beauty regimen.
It's basically egg whites, crème fraîche, powdered sugar, vanilla and a touch of alum.
There you go, dear. Oh! You've got your cream and sugar. It's a little cappu-tea-no.
One drop or two? Would you like another?
Oh! There you go!
As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear. I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.
There we go again! I'll go get Danny. He'll be right with you. Hold on.
- Danny! - Coming, sis!
- It was lovely to have met you! - Lovely to meet you.
- Had a little accident. - Be careful this time. She's an old woman.
Why wasn't I an only child?
# He ain't too hip
# 'Bout that new breed thing
# Ain't no drag
# Papa's got a brand new bag
# Come here, Mama
# And dig this crazy scene
# He's not too fancy
# But his mind is pretty clean
- Sorry. - That's quite all right.
# He ain't no drag
# Papa's got a brand new bag
# Hey! Come on
Ready? OK.
- Did you have fun in school? - Uh-huh.
- What did you do? - I painted a picture of a bunny...
- ...and the teacher liked it. - She did?
Uh-huh.
Here it is, Mel. $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?
- Alan, I was wondering if... - You want one of them?
I'd rather make a coat for my wife.
All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds.
- It's homework time. OK? - Yeah, but... after Dick Van Dyke.
No. Now.
No.
We always watch Dick Van Dyke.
Really? Well, not any more.
The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea-N-N.
Now,...
...I know you're used to loosey-goosey.
But I run a much tighter ship.
Between the hours of 3pm and 7 pm, I'm in charge.
And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule.
Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.
- Punished? - She's lying.
She'd never punish us.
Don't... fuss with me.
This is exploitation. It's not fair.
- Shut up, Lydie. - Yeah. You got us into this.
Ooh, my little ankle-biters.
Do I sense dissension in the ranks?
Are we ready for homework, or shall we continue manual labour?
- No. Anything but this. - Then upstairs, my little nose-miners.
Go. Flee before me!
Onward and upward!
Go pump some neurons.
Expand your craniums.
- I miss Dad. - Me, too.
Me most.
I'm here, guys.
In some form.
Let's see.
OK. Pinch of basil.
Oh! Damn!
Aaagghh!
Mayday!
Oh, God! It's gonna blow!
Easy, easy.
Damn. Calm down.
Oh... Oh... Come on.
Hey, hey, hey. How is it?
Oh, my God. It's clotted. Oh, God.
This hollandaise smells like burnt rubber.
God, it's hot in here.
Aarghh! Aarghh! Aarghh!
Ohh!
Agh! Look at this!
My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes.
- Hey, here's your food. - How much is it?
- 135.27. - 135 dollars?! That's certainly...
- And 27 cents. - 27 cents...
Four dinners. 20 bucks extra for rushing us.
Rushing? Well, you could have been a little bit faster, dear.
- There's... 140. Do you have change? - No.
I thought you wouldn't. Thank you very much.
Hello!
Hello! Anybody home?
- Where were you guys? - Upstairs, doing our homework.
Mrs. Doubtfire said we had to.
- Oh, she did, huh? - Mm-hm.
Doing your homework. How great!
- Hi. - Hi, honey.
Look at this place! It looks wonderful! All spick-and-span.
Wow!
Dinner is served, madam.
How lovely!
Mrs. Doubtfire?
Lydia, dear. Get back inside right now before you freeze.
Look... I just want to apologise for being such a pain today.
- Oh, dear, it's all right. - No, I'm really sorry.
It's just... I'm still kind of messed-up... about everything.
We all are, sweetie.
What?
I just mean I understand the pain you're all going through.
Yeah.
Well... I also wanted to thank you.
- For what? - For making my mom so happy.
Oh.
She hasn't been in this good a mood since... I can't even remember.
It's been a long time.
- It has? - Yeah.
Well, I gotta go back in, but...
- Go, go, go. - OK. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Bye. - Bye.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
Well, milady! It's a pleasure to see you again!
A joy, as always.
I like that Mediterranean look in women.
Natural. Healthy.
Just the way God made ya.
He broke the mould when he made me, dear. He made me very special.
He sure did.
Bless you.
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Never judge a book by its cover
# Or who you gonna love by your lover
# Say, love put me wise to her love in disguise
# She had the body of a Venus
# Lord, imagine my surprise
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Cruised into a bar on the shore
# Her picture graced the grime on the door
# She's a long-lost love at first bite
# Baby, maybe you're wrong but you know it's all right
I am not a crook. I am not a crook.
"She kissed Stuart and thanked him."
"'How was it down there?' asked Mr. Little,...
...who was always curious to know about places he'd never been to."
"'It was all right,' said Stuart."
# What a funky lady
# Oh, she like it, like it, like it, like it
# Ooh, he was a lady
# Yeow
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady
# Yeah, yeah
# Dude looks like a lady...
Back off, asshole!
Beat it!